How To Spot a Douchebag. (San Fernado Valley Edition)

Merriam-Websters defines a valley as an elongated depression between uplands, hills, or mountains, esp. one following the course of a stream. Technically speaking the chance of survival in a valley is indeed very high, the valley provides natural protection from not only inclement weather but are great areas for agriculture because of the abundance of fresh water which flows through the valley and the lack of extreme frigid temperatures. Now if you were to look at the societies that are born from these valleys they do not mirror the lush surrounding, in fact they appear to be the opposite. The second definition that Merriam-Webster provides for a valley is any place, period, or situation that is filled with fear, gloom, foreboding, or the like: the valley of despair. That definition appears to be closer to what I have experienced living in the San Fernando Valley or as I call it the Valley of Sadness. Every version of asshole is present here and not only that but we are lucky enough to have an abundance of all. From smoked-out Mercedes to Ed Hardy, from gaudy Prada sunglasses to True Religion--we know how to accessorise in the Valley of Sadness.

How to spot a douchebag:

First you must visit them in their natural habitat; some of their favorite spots include:

• Topanga Mall--especially Metropark and True Religion
• Aroma
• Any Starbucks or Coffee Bean: "Gotta stay replenished bro."
• Taco Bell Parking Lot

What they drive:

• Any loud, obnoxious car available usually of a BMW or Mercedes make. Most likely blasting either Lil Wayne or DJ Tiesto.

What they wear:

• This can get confusing because you have many different types of douchebag but i'll try my best:
• For your sporting douchebag:
  
• Oakley Glasses are a must for any bro on the run.
• Anything that has to do with dirt biking or another racing sport.
• Bandannas
• Now for the douchebag who lives off mommy and daddy:
• Abercrombie, Hollister, etc. This is usually for the younger douchebags who have yet to discover True Religion, The Hundreds, etc.
• They will usually wear some sort of douchey necklace, either paying tribute to their religion or weapon of choice i.e. gun, saber, sword.
• They only wear True Religion or Seven Jeans. Nothing else. Ever. Bro. Dog.
  
• Oh, and you can smell them coming. Seriously. Diesel or Abercrombie Fierce is their cologne of choice. It is also what they shower and bathe in.

Some of their favorite phrases:

• "Bro, I just ordered the LED lights for my Benz, black on black bro, its gonna be sick, my cousin has one exactly like it. Dog."
• "This is my bro-ho, Stacy."
• "Fox Racing BRAH."
• "My friend, I got a Nokia 56723QRS, I'll sell it to you for cheap."
• Side note--they constantly quote Lil Wayne.

So what are their motives?:

• What it really comes down to is they prey on what is unfair and unjust. Whatever you enjoy, whatever is near and dear to you, they will most likely find a way to exploit. Don't even try reasoning with these assholes, its useless. They provide nothing but annoyance and douchebaggery. They are the ones who throw water bottles at you while you walk, who mad-dog you when you walk by them, the ones who'll flex on you then wait till their "homies" come. They live for what is gaudy and pray for nothing else. They are the Economics and Business majors, only looking to fatten their own pockets, while spitting on anything that isn't like them. Here's to you douchebags. Great job.

P.S. The easiest way to spot a douchebag, next time you go to the gym, look for the guy wearing sunglasses inside and eye-fucking himself in the mirror.